(Dis)Honoring the Dead

My grandfather on my mother's side was an amazing man. You'd never know it, though, unless:

1. You read my blog and just read the first sentence.

2. I talked to you in person about what he has meant to me in my life, or

3. You've met him in person.

The third bullet point is the least likely. He died 10 years ago this August. The other two bullets, especially that first one, are most likely. I also might not have ever mentioned him at all to many of you.

You might have noticed that there's a bullet missing. If you feel like there IS a bullet missing, then this post is about that missing bullet. If you don't think there is a bullet missing, then either you wouldn't know what bullet is missing without someone first mentioning it or you really don't believe there should be another bullet. I digress...

The following is a touchy subject, I know, but this post is meant to make you think. I'm not trying to hurt anybody, I'm simply trying to instill a certain wisdom, here. I mean that in the most sincere way possible. I'm not trying to toot my own wisdom horn or something, I just think that this subject matter is important. And I think it takes a different perspective to change for the better. If you don't think this is wisdom, and you ultimately think I'm full of shit, then I'm full of shit. I'll leave that for you to decide.

Death is not easy to deal with for anyone. Everyone uses different ways to cope with death, but I've noticed a trend on social media when deaths of local people happen--no I'm not talking about any one specifically. This is a trend that has been going on for years, now. This trend has irked me to my core.

I'm not sure of a good name for it, but for the sake of this article I'll call it: Pity Posting.

Pity Posting, by my subjective definition since I just made it up, is the public posting on social media by a friend/acquaintance/someone the deceased person in question once passed at some point in their lives that over-exaggerates their closeness with that person by way of talking directly to them as if they were still here on this Earth, even though that person, unlike the friends, family, others of that person whom can tangibly see the post, is dead. Before you reprimand me from your life, let me explain in full why this irks me. I am trying to be as sensitive towards this subject as possible, because I know it's my opinion, and I know that most people don't have this same opinion. 

The reason this "Pity Posting" bothers me has less to do with the messages that are posted. I've seen some pretty heart-wrenching/inspirational posts that can really choke a person up. For the family and very close friends/girlfriends/boyfriends of the deceased, I'm sure these messages really help them move on. I'm more so talking about the people who all of the sudden act like they super care about a person they haven't seen in 5 to 10 to 15 to 20 years that just died. So I beg the question...

Where were you when they were alive?

The best time to care about someone and give them accolades, praise, and love is when they are conscious/alive! Not dead! All of the people I currently have in my life, the ones who I've chosen to keep in my life, are people I want around, because if I didn't want them around then I wouldn't care about them. For those that have been around me over the past year or so, I'll tell you right now: You're awesome! You are all some of the best people I've ever met. I want you around because you're great. You inspire me to be better. You inspire me to do great things! If I haven't already, one day I will go to you individually and tell you what you all mean to me, I promise! For now, just know that what you do, even if it seems little among all of the crazy things going on in your lives, makes me happy. Makes me keep going. If any of you died, it would suck. It would hurt. It would also likely take me a very long time to figure out how to cope with your death.

If you're someone outside of that circle, I promise to not act like I care about you more than I do, because I don't. If I did, you'd be around or you would want me to be around. Yes, you could have left an indelible mark on my life YEARS ago, and I will remember that--I'll keep it close to me. But I won't selfishly screen myself in the form of a publicly scripted lie as someone who genuinely cared if you're gone when you haven't been around me in a long time. I'm sure you were a good person, but that does not make us best friends! It makes us acquaintances at best!

I have found that in these situations, those closest with the deceased member say the least publicly. You know why? Because it's no secret that they care. They've made it publicly known while the person was alive! More importantly, they made it clear TO the person while they were alive. They don't need to justify their feelings!

Those facts make me wonder why after someone dies the secret feelings come out. The secret carers. I'm not talking about an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend/ex-spouse. That is considerably different. I'm also not talking about supporting a family at a Wake or Funeral for that person. That is also considerably different. I'm talking about those "friends" that come out of the wood-works to publicly declare their feelings for someone out of nowhere on social networks.

I'm not going to give examples. You've either experienced this happenstance or not, it's just something that I've seen and something that I hope ends. If you really care about someone, think about them right now, and tell them how much you care about them--how important they are to you--before it's too late. 

To conclude, I will reiterate that coping with death is not easy. There is no right or wrong way. I'm sure that when I was younger I was guilty of a similar act, but over time I've realized how selfish the act is. If you want to tell a story for the potential benefit of others--family members, close friends, etc.--that's fine. It's also understandable. But if you're a mostly-internet friend who only met the deceased member one time or was someone who you never actually liked and you come out of nowhere to profess how much that person meant to you to social media, then I call bullshit. In doing that, you dishonor the dead; you dishonor the family of the dead; and most of all, you dishonor yourself.

- PatInTheHat