Alley Pat

Nobody likes you when you're 23.

I didn't learn that from a Blink-182 song. And spoiler alert: It has nothing to do with being childlike.

Twenty-three is a strange age. First off, it's the first year after the supposed 5 best years of our lives (17-22), which makes 23 a bit awkward. Secondly, it's 2 years after your 21st birthday and 2 years before your 25th. Twenty-three, for most people, is the age where your life either takes off in the career you worked your ass off for for the past 4 to 5 years, or the age where you realize all the hard work you did was basically useless rendering you dazed, confused, and broke. Twenty three, for what seems like most people, is also the age in your life where you snap out of "naivety," and enter straight into "cynical fuck." In that same time frame, you maybe even realize that "naivety" really had its perks, but it's too late to turn back now. It's that wake-up year where you finally graduate out of the Sophomore class--you just wish that happened 3 years prior. And the best part is that 23 is year where you bring everyone down with you into your hole of seemingly irreparable cynicism.

It's no wonder you're such a shit at 23, right?

About a month away from my 24th birthday, I can officially say it: I hate 23. So what's my main problem?

I love 23, too.

Without this year you, 23-year-old asshole, couldn't have figured out that there are better things out there that can reduce your cynicism to skepticism. Without this year, you douche-fuck, you never would have realized you were way too dumb to live life.

You never would have been able to exist without 23. Think about it.

Most importantly: You never would have realized who to kick the fuck out of your life.

When you meet someone else who is 23, and you realize they are being particularly douchy--you just understand. It's OK, compadre, I understand you. The rest of the world does not, but I do. And I'm perfectly OK with you.

When you meet someone who is over 23 and they are particularly douchy, do yourself a favor: Run. These motherfuckers never understood the power behind 23 like you and I did. Instead of sitting down and thinking about how fucking stupid their lives were at 23, they just decided to go right past 23 and stay at 23. They have 23-itis, and it's incurable. There is no modern medicine strong enough to cure this version of douchebagery. It's impossible.

The only way to cure the ailment of 23 is to get to 24. No, not in age. Age is just a social construct. To get past 23 you need to be 24 in mind, body, and soul. You need to realize that it's time to move on from 23 before it's too late; before it consumes you.

What was my moment, you ask? Well, actually, I had several, but there was one moment that stuck out to me the most. A lesson that I'll always remember for the rest of my life as far as anything and everything goes.

Life will knock the shit out of you at any given moment. It will suck. It will be awful. But like a scar on your skin, you'll be better than ever if you give yourself the time to realize that you can conquer life at will.

I am quite competitive. Those that know me well know that losing is not easy for me to do. (Side note: My ill-will towards losing competitive sport comes from a childhood that constantly reminded me that I would/could never be good enough for anything. At some point, those moments branded into my brain. So, if I ever lose at something because of you or other people, I'm not mad at you or anyone else for winning. In fact, I'm actually telling myself, in my head, that I suck and I'm terrible at everything--way to go--that sort of stuff. It's cognitive to it's core, but I'll conquer that one day, too. I digress...) One of the hobbies in competitive sport I have picked up over the past year is bowling. And yes, you might have guessed, I'm already quite competitive with this, too. So, knowing this, the best advice I could have received this past 24th year (yes, 24th, not 23rd) of my life was this: High five the gutterballs.

Simple, right? I wish. But it's one of the best lessons I could have received while my douche-ness was at a premium. A gutterball is the worst thing you can do in bowling--next to maybe getting goalposts on your strike throw--but the only reasons it troubles us is because of a few things: 1. Other people might think you suck at bowling 2. You might think you suck at bowling. 3. Your hand-eye coordination maybe sucks worse than you thought. If you roll a gutterball in life 1. Other people might think you suck at life. 2. You might think you suck at life. 3. You think that maybe your life sucks worse than you thought.

The thing is: All of that is bullshit. Yes, negative things happen, but quit your mopey bullshit and turn it into a positive! Look at that negative in the face and say, "Fuck you!" Make your life fun! Yes, maybe you do suck at bowling TODAY, but tomorrow you'll conquer the shit out of that bitch. Yes, maybe today was a really shitty day, but forget about it and get ready to kick tomorrow's ass!

So, what's the best way to get the fuck out of 23? That's right...

High five the gutterballs.

And maybe calm the hell down at your bowling league. Yeah.

- PatInTheHat