After many arguments and debates about the recent killings of unarmed minorities, I think I've come up with a solution that'll make everyone happy: National genocide.
After all, who doesn't love the smell of napalm and dead carcass in the morning? Well, we'd all be dead, so it would be kinda hard to smell, but I'm sure Putin would agree that the smell rekindles a long-lost sense of victory and accomplishment that the rest of the world hasn't felt in 200 years. I mean, let's be honest,* the world would be filled with glee if us "wanks" were wiped out.
Neighboring nations and other "allies" are looking on as we slowly obliterate ourselves in the form of a terrible authoritative system and those filthy liberals who only care about stopping traffic and causing a ruckus! Don't those pathetic liberals realize that we have jobs to get to? I mean, come-on, can't they think of more convenient, less-newsworthy ways to protest? It's almost like they WANT to get recognized for their appalling behavior. Pleh, to them! Oh, and don't even get me started on emergency services! Don't those annoying, juvenile protesters understand there's only one way to get to a building or a house in a city?! They can't actually expect that ambulance drivers and firefighters know more than one route to get to the same place! THAT is just ABSOLUTELY ridiculous. And don't even get me STARTED (...again. Restarted?) on the inability to receive my large pepperoni pizza in under 30 minutes! THAT'S a REAL emergency!
*Takes deep breath*
I'm sorry, I, uhh, I lost my cool there. *Takes two Vicodin*
All of this behavior needs to be put to a resounding halt! Time for geno...
...Wait a sec. *reading newspaper quietly, but audibly...* Columbia law students...dadadah...are asking for their exams to be postponed and....and the professors are allowing it?!** What is this shit?! Oh, I see, a couple of black people die and then EVERYBODY JUST STOP TAKING TESTS!? Oh, and look, those stupid, repulsive kids from Harvard and Georgetown law are following in their footsteps. That's. Just. Great. Talk about a system failure, right? Those moronic "Ivy League"--more like Derderder League-- professors have to be out of their minds. You're teaching THE LAW! Don't you know what that means? It means you need to teach the law as is--no deviations! So what if the Grand Jury in NY and Ferguson was wrong. The law did what the law does!
*Turns on Fox News* Oh, there we go, see? These guys get it. They also think that the students and professors are acting stupid. Haha, I know, right? The one blonde-haired, female news anchor just talked about how ridiculous it is for professors to allow their students to postpone tests. These kids are IDIOTS! You only need like, what, a 2 point Oh or something like that in undergrad to get into Columbia Law OR Harvard Law. These kids aren't smart, that's why they went to Law school, people! They certainly didn't involve themselves in chess clubs or other brain-testing activities in undergrad. Those activities are left for smart people. Which they are not. It's not like they are making protest-like chess moves, people. They're just grieving. Give them a tissue already, and get their asses back in the classroom!
That's it: It's time for genocide. Get out the nukes, Obama, I can't take it anymore. It'll be the one good thing you do as president. I'll go down, too, but at least those vomit-inducing liberals will go down first--they're not as strong as conservatives, after all!
* Just a friendly reminder that this is another satire piece, which means I'm being aggressively sarcastic. Why? Because I'm a filthy, stupid, pathetic liberal. Duh.
**http://www.buzzfeed.com/tamerragriffin/columbia-law-school-students-seek-relief-over-trauma-of-gran -- Here's a link to the Columbia story I'm sarcastically belittling in this post.
Quick side note about the aforementioned: As a serious point, I'd like to note that these students and professors alike from the schools mentioned are very intelligent. I'm not saying they are necessarily rocket-scientists, but they are doing this, and the teachers are allowing it, FOR A REASON. It's another way of protesting, people. I honestly believe they have an ulterior motive with these kinds of actions, and I love seeing it.
- GrumpyPatInTheHat
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