"Global Warming is preventing Santa from flying sleigh," says elf.

NUUK, GREENLAND--Well, it's that time of year again. The carolers are out, the Christmas trees are decorated, and the kids are ready to see gifts as far as the eye can see from that jolly red-suited man, Santa Claus.

But will those gifts ever come?

"We lost a lot of presents in the workshop. We just couldn't move everything out quick enough," says Petre, Santa's right-hand elf. Global Warming/Climate Change has proven to be the North Pole's untimely demise. A beautiful frozen tundra that was once populated by Santa's workshop, elves, reindeer, and the like, the North Pole is practically a puddle, now. "Global Warming is preventing Santa from flying his sleigh!"

"It sorta happened the way you fall asleep," said the jolly man himself, "slowly...and then all at once. We hardly had time to move everything. We're lucky we escaped with this much." Santa's shop, once a pristine gift warehouse, is now a half-built dilapidated shed in the middle of Nuuk, Greenland.

"Somehow, there is just enough snow here that, if I can get my sled going, I might still be able to deliver presents to half of the world instead of no one at all." Santa continued saying that there will be a lottery drawing the day before Christmas for any individual families who would like to participate.

"Unfortunately, due to the destruction of my ho-ho-house, my workshop, and even my marriage with Mrs. Claus, who I ensured that the people of Earth would never let anything like this happen, I'll only be able to deliver to a couple billion people this year--and that's if I can get my sleigh off the ground. I'd expect those with the most Christmas spirit will participate in the lottery."

Santa, who lost twenty pounds hauling gifts and other valuables from the North Pole to Greenland, is concerned that he may not be able to fit into his suit this year.

"If I want to fit into my suit by the time Christmas Eve comes around, I'll have to inject cookie dough straight into my fat cells. No ethical doctor would ever do such a thing, which is why I've been seeking the aid of a medical professional out of Princeton-Plainsboro, New Jersey."

At press-time, Santa refused to tell us the name of this medical professional, but all evidence points to a once drug-ridden misanthrope: Dr. Gregory House. We tried to get in contact with Dr. House and failed, but according to former Chief Administrator of Princeton-Plainsboro, Dr. Lisa Cuddy, Dr. House no longer works there and has since been declared missing.