"Global Warming is preventing Santa from flying sleigh," says elf.

NUUK, GREENLAND--Well, it's that time of year again. The carolers are out, the Christmas trees are decorated, and the kids are ready to see gifts as far as the eye can see from that jolly red-suited man, Santa Claus.

But will those gifts ever come?

"We lost a lot of presents in the workshop. We just couldn't move everything out quick enough," says Petre, Santa's right-hand elf. Global Warming/Climate Change has proven to be the North Pole's untimely demise. A beautiful frozen tundra that was once populated by Santa's workshop, elves, reindeer, and the like, the North Pole is practically a puddle, now. "Global Warming is preventing Santa from flying his sleigh!"

"It sorta happened the way you fall asleep," said the jolly man himself, "slowly...and then all at once. We hardly had time to move everything. We're lucky we escaped with this much." Santa's shop, once a pristine gift warehouse, is now a half-built dilapidated shed in the middle of Nuuk, Greenland.

"Somehow, there is just enough snow here that, if I can get my sled going, I might still be able to deliver presents to half of the world instead of no one at all." Santa continued saying that there will be a lottery drawing the day before Christmas for any individual families who would like to participate.

"Unfortunately, due to the destruction of my ho-ho-house, my workshop, and even my marriage with Mrs. Claus, who I ensured that the people of Earth would never let anything like this happen, I'll only be able to deliver to a couple billion people this year--and that's if I can get my sleigh off the ground. I'd expect those with the most Christmas spirit will participate in the lottery."

Santa, who lost twenty pounds hauling gifts and other valuables from the North Pole to Greenland, is concerned that he may not be able to fit into his suit this year.

"If I want to fit into my suit by the time Christmas Eve comes around, I'll have to inject cookie dough straight into my fat cells. No ethical doctor would ever do such a thing, which is why I've been seeking the aid of a medical professional out of Princeton-Plainsboro, New Jersey."

At press-time, Santa refused to tell us the name of this medical professional, but all evidence points to a once drug-ridden misanthrope: Dr. Gregory House. We tried to get in contact with Dr. House and failed, but according to former Chief Administrator of Princeton-Plainsboro, Dr. Lisa Cuddy, Dr. House no longer works there and has since been declared missing.

Way Out

In case you were paying attention

You were right

The water entered my lungs and never left

It was my choice to enter the ocean

Even though you told me not to

I went in

I thought I could swim

I could

But the undertow proved to be stronger than me

You already knew that

In case you were paying attention

The dirt entered by eyes and never left

It was my choice to play in the mud

Even though you told me not to

I went in

I thought I was safe

I was

But the mud proved too unpredictable

You already knew that

In case you were paying attention

The vines took hold of my wrists

It was my choice to pluck the grapes

Even though you told me not to

I went in

I thought I was careful

I was

But I stayed too long

You already knew that

In case you were paying attention

Constricted veins stopped the blood flow from my beaten heart

It was my choice to take needles to my arms

The red river inside me formed a brown puddle below

You were not there to tell me not to

I went in

I did not care

I did not

You were not paying attention

But I already knew that

Broken transmission

Phantasmagoria

Wow  

What beautiful  

Colors  

I encounter on this  

Ascending kaleidoscopic  

Elevator  

Rising so high as  

The wind lightly brushes  

My face  

Butterflies filling my  

Stomach and rising to my  

Head in an unparalleled  

Euphoria  

Slowly rising to the  

Pinnacle of this  

Escaping  

White light as it  

Runs away from   

Prismatic confines  

Now  

Reaching the apex of this  

Luminescent rainbow  

Palms sweaty  

Forehead beading   

Excitement contained as it is  

Ready to let  

Loose  

In unencapsulated glory  

And slowly beginning to   

Slide down this  

Eternal and   

Incomparable beauty  

Speed picking up  

Nerves running rampant   

Rush of blood to the  

...  

Eyes open and  

Head rises up while my  

Hands clinch the back  

Bed post as  

Perturbed  

Realization  

Sets in  

Left wrist to eyes with  

Illuminescent watch showing  

Early morning numerals  

Head back to  

Down  

Face pointing up  

Work starting soon  

Eyes falling shut  

As alarm awaits to  

Sound off  

Tick tock  

Tick tock

Somewhere Between You and Oblivion

Wake up.

Shower.

Get dressed.

Self-examine.

Hair, face, clothes, shoes.

Well enough?

For them?

For you?

Why does an object slightly out of place make you feel lost?

Two extra steps to the left of your night stand to grab your wallet or purse, and suddenly you forget your keys.

Routine.

They see you. You see them. Then suddenly they don't see you. You don't see them.

Somewhere between you and oblivion.

Limbo.

When you escape the confines of ill-established emotion, are you lost or are you found?

Tumbleweed crossing a deserted road.

Fumbling and stumbling up and down.

Floating along only to awaken with the sensation of pinpricks along your sleeping arms.

They don't go away.

They serve as a reminder.

A reminder that your pillow is the closest thing you have at night.

The only thing there in the morning.

Repeat.

But then maybe...

Planned Pro-Life

I know it's been a couple days--and things have slowly calmed down--but is anyone as pissed about the Planned Parenthood attack as I am?

This is a joke, right? I mean it has to be! Self-proclaimed Christian white guy shoots up a Planned Parenthood, because he didn't bother to fact-check bullshit that spewed out of a politician's,and Fox News anchors' mouths.

Moreover, the media tried to pin him as a psycho. Not a terrorist. Not a Christian terrorist. Just a psycho. Does this rhetoric sound familiar? It does to me! Any time a white person commits an act of terrorism, he's just a psycho. If a person of any other nationality committed the exact same crime, a different rhetoric is used. Which begs the question: Does Fox News and other similar "News" outlets pick rhetoric out of a hat? If a black guy kills a ton of people, what's the first thing we tend to hear? Say it with me! That's right: A race/hate crime. If a tan-skinned individual commits the same act, what's the first thing we tend to hear? Say it with me! They're Muslim! Linked to ISIS! No refugees!! We're all gonna dieeeee!!! Real investigative reporting seems few and far between anymore. I think 60 Minutes is the only news-type show that I can actually trust. The amount of research that goes into each of their segments is noticeably a lot.

As a side note: I'm sick of people who are until-the-child-is-born pro-lifers. Some of these people murder for no reason, like the sick person who shot up the Planned Parenthood, while others care more about war than finding peace. How ass-backwards can people be?

- PatInTheHat