Growing Up

Actions speak louder than words.

I'm sure many of you have heard me utter this phrase, but, as annoying as it may be to hear it from me, I believe it to be a simple truth.

Readers, I can't even begin to describe the earthquakes that my mind has endured over the past two years. To someone who hasn't gone through seemingly unendurable heartbreak, it might be hard to understand how my mind has worked the way it has. Realizing that my mind was too heavily on the forefront of my decision-making processes lead to both good and bad decisions. Ultimately, though, without the sacrifice my heart was willing to give--sacrifices that my heart is considerably more willing to give when it's healthy--my bad decisions  were closer to colossally bad, but I didn't realize how colossally bad they were until my heart started beating at the right intervals again.

If you've experienced the same sun-sets-once-per-day cycle for the past two years, many of my days felt more like an Alaskan winter in comparison--no sun, darkness, and cold.

The lack of sun details the lack of positivity I was able to find each day. Although there may have been many positive people/events around me, I found the negative in all of it. I was a shell of myself, and I was unsure how to break free from the confines of the mold. I'm sure I was able to show positivity on the outside, but on the inside was a constant struggle. My hope is that I did not bring down my friends with me. If I did at any point: I'm sorry.

The darkness was my fear of being alone. For a large part of the last two years, it was very hard for me to be at home. I constantly needed to be out so that I didn't allow my mind to drift into sadness--the darkness. To everyone that was there for me, I appreciate you more than you could ever understand. In order to continue to better myself, I needed to listen to all of you individually. And, trust me, I did. Lengthy conversations with numerous people--some of which I don't even talk to anymore--helped me a great deal. I met a lot of new people. I kept my cards close to my chest. For those I didn't see that much, it was nothing personal...I just didn't want you to see me sad.

The cold was my heart. I became excruciatingly apathetic and I hated it. I hate that I wasn't able to feel or that I just didn't care. With my apathy I created a path of destruction, and in my wake I left people I cared about in a similar sad state that I felt--To clarify, since I used "cared" to describe my feelings towards people after apathetic, I did care about people I just didn't care about difficulties. I couldn't handle tough times. I strictly needed positive outlooks. In this regard, I'm sure I seemed cold and detached to many of you. As my high school trig teacher would say, "It's the nature of the beast." If you're thinking this is not a good excuse to potentially hurt other people, I completely agree with you. It's not a good excuse. I was a weak human being who participated in seemingly callous and inconsequential acts that were devoid of normal, empathetic emotion. Some people call this "being stuck." I call it "being awful." In circumspect, I have come to realize what my actions really meant, and I'll get to that momentarily.

__________

It's not every day that we find a soulmate. That one person whom we see partial reflections of ourselves in and vice versa, and someone whom we can't see life without. Soulmates aren't necessarily romantic relationships. I would argue, though, that if a romantic relationship and our soulmate is the same person, then that's definitely a bonus. Every relationship, though--from acquaintanceship to romantic relationship--starts with the foundation of trust. Trust is something we all take for granted one way or another, and the best of us take it for granted the least.

Over the past two years I took trust for granted on multiple occasions. I threw all caution to the wind, and did things to break that trust that I would not have done 2-3 years prior. For those that have read posts before this I call the period before 2 years ago my stupid-but-happy period. I have since tried--though on occasion irreverently--to bridge the gap between being happy and knowing that life can and will shit on me at any one moment in time, and I just need to be prepared for it. For me, it hasn't been an easy task, but what in life really is?  I digress...

I hurt my soulmate. It is the worst thing I have ever done in my entire life. I can't turn back time and change my mistake like The Doctor. I'ts a fixed point in time. The only thing I can do is work on being better. And, if they let me, work on earning back their trust.

I can't emphasize enough how important it is for all of us to own up to our mistakes. I think it's pretty essential to growing up/taking command of our lives. I used to be afraid of making mistakes. I used to be afraid of other people knowing the mistakes that I've made. I'm not afraid anymore. Ashamed, yes, but a better person for those mistakes.

Thanks for reading.

- PatInTheHat