And So It Is

The blower's daughter...


For each rose that dies in the name of love: A heart beats infinite life.

- PatInTheHat

The Color of Music

I love music.

More specifically, I love the music that my mind sees colors to. I doubt I have synesthesia, but there's something about music that makes me feel outside of myself.

Some music I absolutely despise. I despise this music mostly because I don't see the same kind of colors. Instead of bright colors, I see grey. Perhaps it's why I'm so adamantly against songs I really don't like. It may seem like the music I  like or dislike is a direct correlation of my feelings towards whoever likes or dislikes that music. That's definitely not true. I mostly dislike Taylor Swift, but I find myself having greater connections with people who do. I don't think that means I'm a walking contradiction, but perhaps it could.

Sometimes I can't listen to music. It can be so emotionally exhausting that I need time apart from it like it's a strained relationship; however, like strong relationships, we're always there for each other. Sometimes it really needs to tell me a message, and I really need to listen to it. And, in case you're wondering, no. It's never a one-sided conversation. A dialogue is always present.

For me, a song's intention--the message it's attempting to convey--is what brings out an over or under-abundance of color. Music written hundreds of years ago didn't have words, but it still conveyed a message. Although it has not been proven, it's been historically documented that Beethoven saw colors with the music he wrote. Without any music/piano/etc. in front of him, he was always seen closing his eyes and, with his hands, conducting an orchestra in his mind. Whether it was a symphony or concerto he was writing, his work was felt in every single note. There's a reason why his works are still so well known and appreciated, and it's because it's impossible not to feel his emotions.

I write my own music. I'm not particularly good at it, but I strive to be better for no other reason than wanting to see the same colors that other songs have allowed me to see over the course of my 24-year existence. The kind of colors that are elicited through the songs I appreciate are soul-stymieing.
Time. Stops.

Of course, songs also kindle certain emotions from all of us. Emotions that we'd otherwise only have if we're really happy, sad, or angry about something. In these instances, music is a driving force of love, hate, disdain, pleasure, uninterruptible prosperity, and, of course, euphoria. 

Music is where we learn valuable lessons through the words of the wise (or the thoroughly drugged). It's where we feel at home when places aren't able to do the trick. It's where we danced our first dance with our true loves before we even knew it to be true. Sometimes music takes hold of our heartstrings in such a way that happiness or sadness is forever associated with it. The power of music mesmerizes us as we walk through a luscious garden that is there in place of the normal city sidewalk. The moment the headphones come off, we're back in the bleak reality of grey noise.

Can you see music in people? I sure can. Sometimes when I look at someone I know, I see them in music. No, not musical notes. I'm not some musical version of the Rain Man, but there are a lot of times when I look at someone and feel music exuding from them. Sometimes it has to do with their personality. Other times it just has to do with their current mood. This is how I feel people before I even ask them how they're doing. (Introspectively, that's probably why it's harder for me to talk to people through text or on the phone: I can't see/or feel their music.)

 If you can feel the positive music, you can become the positive music and vice versa. For me, I love it all.

-PatInTheHat

Growing Up

Actions speak louder than words.

I'm sure many of you have heard me utter this phrase, but, as annoying as it may be to hear it from me, I believe it to be a simple truth.

Readers, I can't even begin to describe the earthquakes that my mind has endured over the past two years. To someone who hasn't gone through seemingly unendurable heartbreak, it might be hard to understand how my mind has worked the way it has. Realizing that my mind was too heavily on the forefront of my decision-making processes lead to both good and bad decisions. Ultimately, though, without the sacrifice my heart was willing to give--sacrifices that my heart is considerably more willing to give when it's healthy--my bad decisions  were closer to colossally bad, but I didn't realize how colossally bad they were until my heart started beating at the right intervals again.

If you've experienced the same sun-sets-once-per-day cycle for the past two years, many of my days felt more like an Alaskan winter in comparison--no sun, darkness, and cold.

The lack of sun details the lack of positivity I was able to find each day. Although there may have been many positive people/events around me, I found the negative in all of it. I was a shell of myself, and I was unsure how to break free from the confines of the mold. I'm sure I was able to show positivity on the outside, but on the inside was a constant struggle. My hope is that I did not bring down my friends with me. If I did at any point: I'm sorry.

The darkness was my fear of being alone. For a large part of the last two years, it was very hard for me to be at home. I constantly needed to be out so that I didn't allow my mind to drift into sadness--the darkness. To everyone that was there for me, I appreciate you more than you could ever understand. In order to continue to better myself, I needed to listen to all of you individually. And, trust me, I did. Lengthy conversations with numerous people--some of which I don't even talk to anymore--helped me a great deal. I met a lot of new people. I kept my cards close to my chest. For those I didn't see that much, it was nothing personal...I just didn't want you to see me sad.

The cold was my heart. I became excruciatingly apathetic and I hated it. I hate that I wasn't able to feel or that I just didn't care. With my apathy I created a path of destruction, and in my wake I left people I cared about in a similar sad state that I felt--To clarify, since I used "cared" to describe my feelings towards people after apathetic, I did care about people I just didn't care about difficulties. I couldn't handle tough times. I strictly needed positive outlooks. In this regard, I'm sure I seemed cold and detached to many of you. As my high school trig teacher would say, "It's the nature of the beast." If you're thinking this is not a good excuse to potentially hurt other people, I completely agree with you. It's not a good excuse. I was a weak human being who participated in seemingly callous and inconsequential acts that were devoid of normal, empathetic emotion. Some people call this "being stuck." I call it "being awful." In circumspect, I have come to realize what my actions really meant, and I'll get to that momentarily.

__________

It's not every day that we find a soulmate. That one person whom we see partial reflections of ourselves in and vice versa, and someone whom we can't see life without. Soulmates aren't necessarily romantic relationships. I would argue, though, that if a romantic relationship and our soulmate is the same person, then that's definitely a bonus. Every relationship, though--from acquaintanceship to romantic relationship--starts with the foundation of trust. Trust is something we all take for granted one way or another, and the best of us take it for granted the least.

Over the past two years I took trust for granted on multiple occasions. I threw all caution to the wind, and did things to break that trust that I would not have done 2-3 years prior. For those that have read posts before this I call the period before 2 years ago my stupid-but-happy period. I have since tried--though on occasion irreverently--to bridge the gap between being happy and knowing that life can and will shit on me at any one moment in time, and I just need to be prepared for it. For me, it hasn't been an easy task, but what in life really is?  I digress...

I hurt my soulmate. It is the worst thing I have ever done in my entire life. I can't turn back time and change my mistake like The Doctor. I'ts a fixed point in time. The only thing I can do is work on being better. And, if they let me, work on earning back their trust.

I can't emphasize enough how important it is for all of us to own up to our mistakes. I think it's pretty essential to growing up/taking command of our lives. I used to be afraid of making mistakes. I used to be afraid of other people knowing the mistakes that I've made. I'm not afraid anymore. Ashamed, yes, but a better person for those mistakes.

Thanks for reading.

- PatInTheHat